Manioudakis Eleftherios: To be, or not “to be a man”?
Try to imagine a group of men walking down the street. You see them walking in herds. There may only be three of them, if not more, but you can tell from their body language that they feel inherently confident, especially when compared to women, who usually walk cramped, as if protected from all sides.
The power and enforcement of men is considered to be an asset. It’s not about the masculinity, but the toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity, for some people, means socializing so that they can survive - infecting others - carrying all the stereotypes they have internalized (unwittingly or consciously).
On one hand, social constructions of femininity demand that women be thin, beautiful, accommodating, and some unattainable balance of virginal and sweet. On the other hand, social constructions of masculinity demand that men constantly prove and re-prove the very fact that they are, well, men.
When boys violate the code, it is not uncommon for them to be teased, shamed, or ridiculed. The cliché about men not being in touch with their emotions says nothing about inherent markers of maleness. It, instead, identifies behavioral outcomes that have been rigorously taught, often by “well-meaning” parents and society at large.
Throughout childhood and into adolescence, both mothers and fathers often emphasize the “achievements and competitions of their sons,” and how they taught them to “control their emotions”—another way of saying boys are tacitly instructed to ignore or downplay their emotional needs and wants. Similarly, parents of both sexes are more punitive toward their sons, presumably working under the assumption that boys “can take it.”
Too often, men who are suffering, do so alone, believing that revealing their personal pain is tantamount to failing their masculinity. “As a society, we have more respect for the walking wounded,” Terry Real writes, a contemporary psychotherapist specializing in men's issues, particularly depression and relationships. And yet, the cost of not recognizing men’s trauma is far greater than attending to those wounds, or avoiding their creation in the first place. It is critical that we begin taking more seriously what we teach little boys, how we do it, and the high emotional cost exacted by masculinity, which turns emotionally complete little boys into emotionally debilitated adult men.
When masculinity is defined by absence, when it sits, as it does, on the absurd and fallacious idea that the only way to be a man is not to acknowledge a key part of yourself, the consequences are both vicious and soul crushing. The resulting displacement and dissociation leaves men yet more vulnerable, susceptible, and in need of crutches to help allay the pain created by our demands of manliness.
These kinds of demands get stronger and stronger every day, by the influence of images and messages about masculinity embedded in our media. TV shows and movies inform kids—and all of us, really—not so much who men (and women) are, but whom they should be. But certainly, we all recognize the traits that are valued among men in film, television, videogames, comic books, and elsewhere: strength, valor, independence, the ability to provide and protect.
Identifying how deep the roots of toxic masculinity have grown is not easy, but it is not impossible. We usually have to start from far back, with the very distinctive image of a newborn boy. His parents raise it high in their arms to make it stop crying but it does not. They tell him that "men do not cry" and they will keep reassuring him or making sure that he keeps that going for the rest of his life. He continues his life caring about what is good and what is not in order to be "the right man". He does not cry, has no empathy and is not allowed to express emotion, he does not understand women, femininity seems to him as a weakness, and that is why he keeps showing strength at all times, to remind himself that he is a “man”.
So every time he strikes his hand on the table (or somebody else’s body) it is easier for him to put a little more power, when others disagree with him. He does not listen to other opinions than his own; he does not take “no” as an answer when he likes someone and the list continues on and grows more and more.
We have set an unfair and unachievable standard. We have to move far beyond our outdated ideas of masculinity, and get past our very ideas about what being a man means. We have to start seeing men as innately so, with no need to prove who they are, to themselves or the society, as well.